Final Destination: Bloodlines is better than it has any right to be

As you may know, I co-host Kill by Kill, a very fine podcast dedicated to horror movies. Patrick and I have been doing this for almost a decade now (somehow!), and even though the horror genre is rife with absolute dogshit, our hit to miss ratio of new-to-us movies has been surprisingly high. Though some recent releases (The Wolf Man, Gary Dauberman's juiceless remake of Salem's Lot) were disappointments, we've also encountered some real gems, like In a Violent Nature, Longlegs, and, of course, this year's Sinners, which, for my money, isn't just the best horror movie of the year, but the best any kind of movie of the year.

However, my enthusiasm at the announcement of another Final Destination movie was, oh, let's call it restrained. I realize my general indifference-to-outright-dislike of the Final Destination franchise makes me a loner, Dottie, a rebel, but I must live my truth. The first one was fine in an entertainingly shitheaded kind of way, and I will agree that that logging truck crash in Final Destination 2 earned its iconic status, but it's all swiftly downhill after that. By the time the fourth one rolled around, half the characters didn't even have names, and the CGI blood was so bad it looked like partially set Jell-O.

As with a lot of horror franchises (particularly those that change writer and/or directors' hands several times), you can tell which films were made by people who genuinely love the franchise, and which were made by people who went into it looking to make a quick buck. Nevertheless, they all steadfastly refused to divert in any meaningful way from the gossamer-thin premise, secure in the knowledge that most people only watched these things to see Canadian actors get bisected by an errant fan belt.

Since we covered all the Final Destination movies on the podcast a couple years ago (and my final verdict was that they were "fine" and I never needed to watch them again), it was expected that we would cover Bloodlines, the newest entry after a 14 year-long stretch. My reaction to that initially was a groan of exasperation, like a teenager being told to go spend time with a cousin they wouldn't otherwise hang out with if they didn't have to. Must we? Life is too short. I could read a "kill list" online and get the gist of what happens in it.

Nevertheless, I gave in, and I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy the fucking thing.

There's a secret to what makes Final Destination: Bloodlines the superior film in the series, even better than the first one. It's going to shock you. It may even cause you to question everything you know about filmmaking, but here goes:

It has a plot.

I'll give you a minute to process that. True, it's a plot that does not hold up under intense (or even mild) scrutiny, and it's still overshadowed by some truly gnarly kills, but nevertheless, some actual thought was put into what drives the events in Bloodlines. Because it involves a single family rather than a group of random survivors, the emotional stakes for the characters are higher. It tries to say something about generational trauma, and how being overprotective of your children can do far more harm than good. The late Tony Todd, in a poignant final appearance, shows up to remind everyone of what the point of these things are (other than killing people with lawnmowers): that death is inevitable, so enjoy your life while you can.

Granted, that's something we hear about death a lot (and truly the best take on it is Warren Zevon encouraging people to "enjoy every sandwich"). And true, The Monkey earlier this year did essentially the same plot better, but that doesn't diminish the fact that Bloodlines succeeds almost in spite of itself (or at least, in spite of every movie that came before it in the franchise).

As it turns out, giving horror movie characters some identity other than "future victim" makes it more impactful when they actually become a victim. Now, I understand you don't watch the Final Destination movies for the characters, but I liked Kaitlyn Santa Juana as Stefani, the heroine who tries to apply math to the ultimate unknowable concept. Even though he was clearly written in the script as a "Kyle Gallner type," I liked Richard Harmon as Erik, Stefani's goth tattoo artist cousin, who's both the comic relief, and gets the most memorable death in the film. I appreciated that more than three seconds was spent establishing who these people were and their relationship with each other. Turns out, it makes a difference! Horror creators hate this one secret!

Does this improve the Final Destination franchise overall for me? Not really. Much like the Saw movies, I still categorize them as "I understand why people enjoy these, but they're not for me." If anything, the fact that Bloodlines is good is annoying, because it wouldn't have taken much to make the other five movies in the series more than just passable. But as is often the case with horror, a genre I (in spite of everything) love beyond reason, plot and characters often play a distant second and third to bukkake-ing the audience with blood and gore.