I watched Better Man & would enjoy more chimpanzees in movies

I watched the “Robbie Williams but he’s a chimpanzee” biopic Better Man last week. Evidently, I’m one of the only people who did, at least in the U.S., because it flopped so hard it may have been the cause of the minor earthquake in New England this past Monday.

This is unsurprising, because the news that there was going to be a biopic made about Robbie Williams was greeted with a collective “WHOMST?” by American audiences. Though he was one of the biggest pop stars in the U.K. through the mid to late 90s and into the 21st century, Williams barely qualified as a one hit wonder here, with his singles “Millennium” and “Rock DJ” making more of a dent on MTV than on the radio. That such a thing existed in the first place was so puzzling that we almost overlooked the fact that he’s depicted as a chimpanzee in it.

That was the aspect that made me curious, because, indeed, my knowledge of Robbie Williams before watching Better Man began and ended with the two songs mentioned in the paragraph above, only one of which appears on the soundtrack. But I needed to know how this “he’s a chimpanzee” thing worked, and it’s…weirdly fascinating? It’s important to point out that Williams as a chimpanzee is his own perception, as he believes himself to be “a little less evolved” than his peers. Everyone else just sees him as a normal person, a troubled, lonely teenage boy who becomes famous too young, then grows up into a self-destructive jerk before the inevitable redemptive arc.

On the other hand, that does mean you’ll see a chimpanzee wearing a velour tracksuit, snorting cocaine, and getting a handjob1.

ANYWAY, it got me thinking: what other movies would be improved by replacing a character with a chimpanzee in human clothes, and no one else comments on it?

MOVIE: Gone With the Wind (1939)

CHARACTER: Ashley Wilkes, one of the complicated loves of Scarlett O’Hara’s life

MOVIE: Rear Window (1954)

CHARACTER: Miss Torso, the ballet dancer James Stewart spies on

MOVIE: Night of the Hunter (1955)

CHARACTER: Rachel Cooper, the shotgun-wielding granny who looks after orphans

MOVIE: Change of Habit (1969)

CHARACTER: Amanda, the little girl with autism

MOVIE: The Godfather (1972)

CHARACTER: Corrupt police captain McCluskey2

MOVIE: Jaws (1975)

CHARACTER: Amity Harbor Harbor Master Frank Silva

MOVIE: The Last Waltz (1976)

CHARACTER: The Band drummer Levon Helm

MOVIE: Raging Bull (1980)

CHARACTER: Jake LaMotta’s brother Joey

MOVIE: The Breakfast Club (1985)

CHARACTER: Andrew, the soulful jock

MOVIE: Steel Magnolias (1989)

CHARACTER: Olympia Dukakis’s character, whatever the hell her name was

MOVIE: Basic Instinct (1992)

CHARACTER: Sharon Stone’s lover who tries to run over Michael Douglas with her car

MOVIE: Twister (1996)

CHARACTER: Jami Gertz’s character, whatever the hell her name was

MOVIE: Titanic (1997)

CHARACTER: J. Bruce Ismay

MOVIE: Mulholland Drive (2001)

CHARACTER: The “silencio” lady

MOVIE: There Will Be Blood (2007)

CHARACTER: Paul Sunday, Eli’s “twin” brother (Eli is still played by Paul Dano)

MOVIE: Her (2013)

CHARACTER: Joaquin Phoenix’s ex-wife

MOVIE: Oppenheimer (2023)

CHARACTER: Albert Einstein (complete with wig)

MOVIE: A Complete Unknown (2024)

CHARACTER: Everyone is a chimpanzee except Bob Dylan